Optimism

I've been really enjoying life as of late. I haven't had a major bout of depression in over 18 months and most everything right now is going really great. Of course, I still want to have a girlfriend, but besides the whole love life thing my life is at the best it's been in years. Classes are just about the best thing right now, Radio is one of the coolest classes, even 3d modeling which is just about one of the hardest classes I've ever taken is awesome just because I'm enjoying the whole program. My writers block of forever is gone, I'm writing about 3 different novels including screenplays as well. They're not quite to where I want them obviously, but just to be able to get the ideas down on paper is awesome. I've been writing music which is awesome, I've been editing movies, I've just been really enjoying life and there have been very few things that have pissed me off, and when they do, I just ignore them and don't go near it. I'm really liking where music in general is at the moment, and overall I'm just finding that there actually is a chance at my graduating and moving to one of the coasts at some point. I really want to live on either the west or east coast near the northern edge. I'm just overall enjoying life right now and I'm finding that I don't think life sucks, cause it doesn't. You know how awesome it is when you're no longer at that point where "life sucks"?

You know what's been the two main things in helping me to this point?

Firstly it's the getting rid of guilt as a motivation. Guilt sucks as a motivation, you feel guilty for doing or not doing something so then you do it better or some such what not, that just sucks. To be able to change my motivation so that I do it because I want to, and if I don't succeed, I don't worry about it, it's not the end of the world.

Secondly is being able to enjoy and not feel bad about doing nothing. Oh man, this one was big, once I could enjoy and not feel bad about doing nothing I was a made man. Sometimes you're just tired of everything and you want to spend an entire day playing some stupid video game and not caring about anything and I just feel so refreshed! And I don't beat myself up because I didn't accomplish anything cause that's just silly, that just makes you need to accomplish and you get into a vicious cycle. Being able to get rid of those bad motivations and being able to control how I feel about things has been an amazing change in my life and has just made everything much more fun. I actually enjoy school because it's not that I need to accomplish things, I just want to, and since it doesn't become a need it doesn't become a stressful thing. And for me stress always seems to be associated with bad.

I'm really enjoying amatuer work, I'm finding that getting into the basics and the raw vessels that people produce, and finding the good in them, makes everything else I read seem more magical. Wow. Things are just sweet.

Now mind you, I'm not without my problems, there are a lot of things currently which if I let them could really get me down, and sure they're still weighty and bogging me down, but really screw that crap. I'll deal with it and not let it bother me, it makes things so much nicer.

Now sometimes it sucks when dealing with actual people, since there are some that are just non stop gloomy, and sure maybe I might make them gloomy with how I act, but you know, maybe I'm just a little selfish or maybe I'm a lot selfish, I don't know. Right now, I'm doing things for me. I'm doing things for others as well, but right now, it's mainly about me. Before, I made it about other people, and what happened? I focused too much on others and failed all my classes and was never happy. So at the moment I feel I need to be selfish, so that I can succeed at something.

Anyways, that's about it. What do you think of those motivations, do you find being selfish no matter what is wrong? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts. Anywho, if you need some optimism, I can give you some. And in exchange you can get me a girlfriend. :)