I'm Expendable

In my family we have three vehicles, one for my mom, one for my dad and one for me, when one of the cars needs to be serviced, I am the expendable one and lose my car. Our truck's clutch went out and usually it takes only a couple days to fix it, however the flu hit the guys at our garage, then they had to remodel one of their three stalls, then a fire caught in another one so they only had one open, then one of the guys in the shop broke his arm in a rock climbing accident which put them back even more, so finally on thursday my dad is going to use his sway to get a BYU car for the weekend, he has to use it for business so he's going on a business trip this week as well. So finally I will have the car back but only because there's no way I can go this weekend without it. Now as I haven't had a car for about two weeks now I find I have no life here in Orem, all my friends are in Salt Lake or Provo, I only have two good friends in Orem, my roommate and my neighbor. My roommate that is in that wonderful state of Love, you know, Love, the one that consumes your entire body and makes you a void. I never see him, which is fine, cause usually I have a car and can leave. Then my neighbor, who is awesome, but is also a workin man, and so is also gone quite a bit. This leaves me to myself in Orem with no friends. Some people have stopped by, but I feel so trapped without a means of getting anywhere, there is walking, but there's no one in walking distance, then there's the bus, which would be fine if I scheduled things and set them in a planner, but that also feels traping, and so I don't like doing that either, I like being able to call someone, say "Hey, you up for doing something? Cool I'll be right over."

I've been feeling very trapped and enclosed as of late.

The thing about me is, suppose you got this nifty new box, and it's lifesize, and you bring it over and say, "Hey, Have a go, check it out." So I get inside the box and then you trap me in but then say, "Now be careful cause I like this box and I don't want it to get broken." Well the second I feel enclosed I'm going to break the box, I don't like the feeling of being restricted. It kills me. So then I brake your box and you get mad at me, cause you told me you didn't want your box broken and all I had to do was have self discipline, but alas, I've broken your box.

I've looked at a couple of friendships where this specific thing happened, even when I told the person that it was exactly what I wanted, I would sabotage it myself and break out of the box because I didn't like the way it felt. Now this doesn't happen every time, but it does happen often. One way in which I feel trapped is in the hunting game. I'm not a hunter, I don't like hunting people but find that I end up becoming the hunter. When I am put in this mold of the hunter I break out. For instance, something I'll do quite often actually is I'll have this friendship, but it feels like I'm the only one putting forth any effort, so I'll suddenly say, "I'm not going to do anything, I'm going to wait until this person calls me or contacts me before I put forth another contact." I've lost friendships this way because the other person will not put forth any effort, they'll never call me or email me, they just expect me to do everything. Often I'll find out that they think it to be my fault, and maybe in a way it is, because I started out the friendship and almost made them understand that they were only a passenger. But I can't drive all the time. Probably about one fourth of you who are going to be reading this were put under this test, was there a good three month period where you didn't hear anything from me? Well it's probably cause I felt trapped as the hunter and decided I wouldn't talk to you until you put forth some effort.

I often say I'm looking for a needle in a haystack, and that's only partly true, as that needle is going to have to put forth some effort too.

There are of course exceptions to all these, those that are in relationships or getting married get one of those free pass cards where they can disappear for however much they want. Also the "guys", they're exempt from all these rules. Even when they're busy or I am, we can get together after not seeing each other for 3 months and things haven't changed, people often ask how we're all such good friends and it's mostly because that's our understanding. Oh yeah, and in the ever so critical first couple years, we didn't allow girls to interfere.

I'm going to go on a road trip next week, I'm not sure where yet, but it's just going to be me, I'm going to drive somewhere, spend the night then drive back, all by myself, to get away for a tiny bit and explore something new. Anyways, I just made a whole jumblaya full of thoughts, and it feels good to get them out as always. In conclusion, I really want my car back, and I never want to let go of a car ever again.