Life of a Turtle on a Pizza

Some may call it a blessing, some may call it a curse. Me? I sure don't know. As I'm sure I've said before, I can interpret people's thoughts on me, who thinks I'm scary, who thinks I'm funny, and why they think I'm funny. Things like that. I've understood a lot more lately all about my overall feelings of being Intoverted. I've really gotten the concept and have seen how Introverted I am. At nature I'm a very shy person, but I hide that and try and make a whole lot of friends, and in this making of a whole lot of friends I use it to sift through to see if there's someone in there in whom I can share a little bit of my extroversion with. The problem is, there are a lot of hills they need to climb for me to be able to tell them things, it's almost like someone really has to work hard to tear down each of my walls. But then there are things they can't even do, I have to let them do it for it all to happen. I think in these cases is why I am so against bishop or priesthood interviews. I could easily have an interview with home ward bishop, Bishop Swenson. But then he was in my ward for 13 years. I trust him. My current bishop however, I have the hardest time even talking to the guy. I was like this on my mission too, when having to deal with someone in a leadership position who just expected me to tell them everything, I couldn't do it, even if it was good stuff. Just because of their need to know and my need not to tell them. My favorite zone leaders were the ones that left me alone.

When it comes to leadership, I initially shun it. If someone tells me to do something in whom I don't intially trust, I tend to break away. So when it comes to my bishop I tend to just leave him alone. I've been in this ward for 8 months now, and I can see that though my bishop cares for me as a bishop should, he doesn't really like me. I haven't yet had an interview with him. There have been only a couple times in which we've actually spoke and all he's done for himself has built more walls in front of my extroversion. The first time he said more then hello or how's your day, or any other non descript phrase, was the sunday after I got my hair cut to the 3/8ths of an inch buzz. He came up to me and said, "I'm glad to see you've finally decided to live the Honor Code." There is no comment more then this that can make me want to not live the Honor Code just out of spite alone. About a month later was the next time he said something to me, he said, "You're growing your hair out again." and I replied with, "Yes I am." Now that I have hair again, he usually avoids me in the shaking hands portion of sacrament meeting. Everyone else finds him to be a great bishop, one in whom has farmed his whole life and has a tractor. That's fine, I don't not like the guy, I just know that it'll take a lot for me to let him into my life. I almost wonder if this is the reason why I've gone this entire month without a calling. They've already given me the ones that don't require you to be in some sort of leadership position and I think they've run out of options. I'm sure they'll make one up for me at some point like assistant music director for the sunday school or some such like that, or shrubbery guy. Who knows? It's funny because intially the hair wasn't even intended to be a rebellion. I just thought it would look cool. And it sure does, and it has even helped boost my self esteem in the time I needed it most. But yet it is so widely regarded that I have it because I'm being rebellious, it can't be any other reason. I want to please others, but I know in turn I won't be pleased myself, last time I cut it, I felt like crap because I was doing it because others wanted me to, not because I wanted to.

I've mentioned ML before. She's my current "dating student." She comes to me with her problems, which is just fine. She said early on that she wouldn't come to me for her problems because so many other people do so, and she usually stays away from people like me, but that didn't work did it. I used to have hope in this type of girl, that someday she would fall in love with me and then we could go out and she'd realize she can tell me anything. But now I know that those ones can never happen. It's become weird due to my abilities (I almost sound like a mutant) that I can understand things a little more. In the past month of knowing her, I already know exactly what parts of her the general populace don't like, what i don't like, and what I do like. I understand her mannerisms and can usually predict when she'll come over and what she'll do. It's almost become a game for me, because now I'll try different methods of my own body launguage or my own comments to see how she'll react and to see if I'm right which most of the time I am. I can even predict how her current crush will like her and they won't and what will happen. It's made the life of an outsider looking in very easy for me, but it's also helped to make me more introverted and less likely to fall in love. I've almost given up hope on the one thing that in high school I would have given up a limb for.

I'm sure there's someone out there who could fulfill my need for at least 75% compatibility, and maybe someone who can fall in love with me. There just hasn't seemed to be anyone in the near future of whom I can even have a small relationship with, maybe I need to be more forceful, or show more love, or do something different, but right now, I'm at a loss. I know exactly what ML needs to do, and yet I can not define myself.