I had an interesting night on Saturday Night. I went to my friend Thelma's apartment where they were having an apple party, it was a lot of fun, but afterwards the plan was to go driving up Sundance Canyon and get to a plateau where we would have a bonfire, and hit some drums and have a Pagan festival with the full moon. We got up there about half past midnight, set up the bonfire, got out the drums and started rocking, people were dancing and it was awesome. The plan was also to go find a spot in nature and relax and commune with nature. I had sometime to think as I lay in the grass next to a solitary tree, way up high where the air was very clean and pure.
I thought about my life right now, and how I've got direction. It's amazing to have direction, I actually know what I want to do with my life, I have a list of things I want to do and I'm well on my way to fulfilling those dreams. But not only do I know what to do, I know exactly how to go about accomplishing them, I have the path laid out before me. Not only that but I'm able to do each thing and enjoy doing it. I have fun just about every day and enjoy just about everything I do.
But yet with all of this, there was a black spot right in the middle. Have you ever looked and saw your whole life but also saw the middle being blocked off by a dark spot? Well that's what it was. It was that of companionship, and I couldn't see it. It's like I have every piece together in this puzzle and yet three pieces are missing and I can't quite make out what the puzzle picture is because those three peices have the vital parts. I know I've said this type of thing before but it's still nagging at me, just the fact that everything seems to fall into place and yet the one thing I want the most isn't even close to coming together. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to immidiatly get married to anyone, I just want to be able to have some relationships, but even those are so far from reach that it seems I'll never get to them. I feel like I'm just stuck behind a roadblock, for a variety of reasons.
I don't give good first impressions. You know how much I truely hate the first impression? Some have suggested that I just cut my hair, but if you think about it, I haven't had this hair all that long, most of the time I have had short hair, and it wasn't any different, in fact it was even harder to find dates when I didn't have hair, I'm much more goofy looking without hair. Besides, the people that don't like my hair now I wouldn't be attracted to anyways most of the time.
I feel like I've come to the point where I sabotage myself. I've gotten to the point where I just don't ever succeed. So because of this, I find someone whom I know would work well with me, and I know that I would work well for them, so I don't want to have to wait a couple of days in between interactions, I want to go a little more quickly, but it just doesn't work that way, but yet if I do go slowly, I lose interest and feel like it's over even before it's started so I just give up. Thus sabotaging myself.
I'm not a leader. I never have been, and I've come to accept that, I don't want to be a leader, I do much better in helping others then in being the one to start or initiate things. Thus for me to have to be the leader in the dating world just doesn't feel right, it feels abnormal, but it's such a stigma that the guy has to be the instigator. Even I've found among girls that say they don't believe in that and yet I watch their relationships and they wait for the guy to initiate things. I found one girl that was willing to be the intiate and we worked well for the short time we had, but timing was off for us and she got married while I was off on a mission.
I'm not the ideal. There are too many things about me that just aren't the ideal. Besides the fact that I know exactly what I want to do, I want to be an artist, I'm a democrat, I'm a Mormon and I live in Utah. I don't like the excuse of living in Utah, but those that know me, you can tell, I don't belong in Utah, I'm just stuck here. I'm sure even this problem could be fixed if I were to move out of state.
I don't know, it's really frustrating that though all these things are working out, the one thing I've wanted forever doesn't seem to ever be able to happen. I wish I could be happy with my life without a relationship, unfortunatly I know myself too well, and I just won't be happy without someone else to share things with and for them to share things with me. I can have the most fun in the world I can think of and it just doesn't seem to compare to having someone I know that loves me. And that I love them. Whatever am I going to do?
So there I was, and I came home and have enjoyed my time since, but yet I would even trade all the good for just the relationship stuff. One of my biggest things that I've been taught over and over and over and over again, is patience. I've been patient for so long with so many things, but I think I'm too my breaking point, I feel like I can't go longer, I can't wait another year, I just don't want to. But alas, if that's how It has to be then I guess I'll just have to deal with it, just know if you find exploded bits of me, then that's the reason why.
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35 comments:
Awwww... I love you.
Oh yeah and I got 44th in the NL HE 3am tourney.
But back to you... sometimes you have to stretch your boundries. Get out of your comfort level. Take the initiative to ask women out. The more the better, it doesn't matter who. Some will say no and some will say yes and you'll be suprised by the results.
Give everyone equality, older, younger, skinny, plump, beautiful, average... just ask away.
Oh yeah and get a job. Chicks dig guys with money.
Be prepared to spend some bucks!
Good luck!
I think you're downright handsome with short hair.
ah man, that doesn't help me, some person not willing to reveal themself, says I'm handsome, I don't hear I'm handsome ever. Reveal yourself, go!
That's quite the introspective post. I can't say it's nothing you haven't already told me, but it's nice to see it all in writing.
I feel the same in many ways, but don't have the least bit of doubt that things will turn out wonderfully for both of us (probably better for you, since I'm fairly pessimistic about my own life sometimes). I've always been about the theory that you just do your best and go with the flow ... I think that's the best way to handle it. I wouldn't go too far out of your comfort level (although, I've tried that recently, and it's actually been quite a bit of fun ... hard as hell, but fun).
By the way, I took the initiative and gave your name to someone looking to set up her friend on a date ... don't hate me.
I'm always fine with blind dates.
I just want to say, that I am the girl that your friend gave your name and number to. Reading this was all very intriguing. I think that everyone feels the same way occasionally. The reason that girls don't take the initiative is because they want to feel feminine and well taken care of. It's not that we are scared or anything like that, it's just that no girl likes to feel like she is taking on the masculine role.
I am sure that you are going to find someone that fits you well. You sound like you are an intelligent, hard-working individual that has just had a whole load of bad luck.
I find in my life, it's when I don't care about a relationship anymore that one always seems to pop up.
By the way, I think it is hilarious that you play poker...is that strip poker by chance?
No one told me we were going to be playing strip poker ... this is bad news: I'm gonna lose my shirt to thirdmango again - he's been practicing.
Yarjka, didn't you know? Playing strip poker happens to be a weekly tradition. I thought that you knew!
Don't worry, you have a week to brush up on your skills...or dress with a whole lot more layers than any natural human should. Of course, I've heard that guys like to be naked.
It depends on the company. Around ThirdMango, it's just kind of creepy ... because, I mean, he keeps winning, and piling up the shirts, but, he just won't wear them ... it's just so bizarre. It's impossible to win against a man who begins the game wearing nothing!
So, sounds like the best strategy is that we all start naked and whoever ends up with the most clothes in the end wins? Then, where would the clothes come from? Hmmmm....
Maybe the guys should all start naked and the girls fully clothed, and then both groups would be happy. If the girls win, the girls don't have to look at naked guys anymore, and if the guys win, they get to see a really good show. Sounds perfect to me!
Yes, that does indeed sound like the greatest game ever created. I must alert the masses.
3M, have you ever had this many comments on one of your blogs? I mean, this is like discussion forum action right here. Wild.
Actually, when you alert the masses, could you make sure those masses are taller than 6'2". If you could I would appreciate it.(In case you were wondering Yarjka, that means you are not invited - I have to keep up appearances for BYU).
Nobody's taller than 6'2" ... we all know that.
And I don't care that I'm not invited: I'll just borrow the tape of the event from 3M later.
Look we can all start with clothes on, after all, you'll all be naked before I take off my shoes.
Hmmm...3M...you seem really confident in you poker playing skills. You are right in the fact that you would probably kill me in poker, but do you know how to play pinnochle? If you do, I think that I would love to play a tournament with you. It's been a while since I have found someone that loves cards as much as I do. :)
This is amazing, all the comments. When it comes to cards I know how to and like playing Poker, Hearts, Spades, Cribbage, Sheepshead, Rook and Pinochle. So you are in luck.
Excellent! I enjoy playing spades, rook, hearts, pinnochle, speed, and just about any other card game you can think of. I may need some refresher courses on some of them though. As I said before, it's been a while since I have been able to find someone that actually enjoys playing cards. Most of my friends are really into computer games. So, they are more of the solitary "sit in their hole" type.
As for pinnochle though, I have been playing since I was four, and I thoroughly enjoy the game. Anytime you want to play, just let me know, and we will see if we can find two other players to come and join.
I've never played, but a simple search on Wikipedia shows me that it's not a game for me. Much too complex.
Na! I am sure that we could teach you how to play in one night. You just have to be a little bit patient. My family has taught hundreds of people that have a lower IQ then you. I am sure that you would be just fine! :)
Now, Miss Anonymous, I have a question for you, out of curiousity, are you the one setting me up on the date, or my actual date for this friday?
I am the one setting you up on the date on Friday. Everyone is going to be on a blind date. I think that it's going to be a whole lot of fun.
huh, for some reason I feel like I've been eavesdropping.
Ha, you're never eavesdropping when it comes to this place. It's an all free pass ride for everyone.
I like to think the whole world is eavesdropping.
So I see how it is 3M, you find out that I am not your date and you stop talking to me. That is how it always is, men choose beauty over brains. I guess I will have to accept my losses and move on.
He hasn't even seen you (if he had, he would have chosen you for sure (ahh, how sweet)).
Now here's the toughie here, I haven't even seen your beauty yet, all I know is your brains, and by that accord, you do have my phone number, we can run into the woods if you'd like and play cards all day and all night. I'm all for it.
Thanks for the compliment Yarjka! I appreaciate it! As for 3M, how about I email you my phone number, and then I will let you decide whether you want to go galavanting in the woods together. I am always up for an adventure of any sort! :)
Yarjka, I can't believe you wrote 'aah, how sweet' about your own comment! Someone is either sucking up big time or fishing for compliments ... or both!
I demand a new post 3M. This comment section is getting way too crowded and I need more material to procrastinate with.
I actually have stuff to make a new post, I'm just enjoying how big this comment section is becoming.
Instead of making a new post, just post your new stuff in the comments section of this one :)
i think you are both conspiring to drive me nuts
bad new for you, i already am
By the way, whenever I read the title of your blog, I want it to say 'Funkadelic Freestylings of the Third Kind'.
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