Lack of Choices

Burn was driving the car back to Claremont, New Hampshire. Due to us having smashed out Toyota Carrola we now had to share a car. So he was driving us all back to Claremont at which point I and the Brick would head back across the border. Well as he was driving Pricey yelled from shotgun, "Skunk! Skunk! Skunk! Turn around, I saw a skunk!" Burn as stupid as his hair was red, did as he was told and turned the car around. The skunk in question tried to get away from the two ton beast by hiding in a graveyard, truely not the best option. Burn drove into the graveyard and and pointed the lights at the skunk who was halfway up a snow bank. The two thousand beast sped up the snow bank nearly running over the skunk, luckily the skunk had a defense against such huge besats. As we drove towards Claremont suddenly a stench of mammoth preportions came upon us. I smelled like a skunk for three days after that.

Now what was I doing during this story? I was in the back seat yelling at Burn, telling him to stop, telling him he was stupid and a jerk. I tried to convince him in anyway possible and yet I still smelled like a skunk afterwards.

Here, I had no choice. I payed the consequences of someone else's actions. Do you ever feel like there is no choice and you're just sitting in the back seat waiting for the driver to run over a skunk?

I'm pretty lucky. My family doesn't push me about dating or getting married. They're not pushy about me going to church or having a calling. They like my hair, and don't mind me growing it out. They support me going into film. Yet at the moment, I am completely dependent on them. I have no money of my own. To even become independent I would still have to be dependent on them to get to that point. Because of this, there is one choice. School. Now don't get me wrong, I love school and it's definatly something I need to do. However, when it's the only choice, you find yourself becoming restricted and stuck. That's how I feel. Most people are able to go to college and be away from their parents for a long while, then they can leave their college town for a couple of months to live with the family. Me? I have both at the same time, all the time. I see my parents almost daily, I have college almost daily. To have a three month break is to go no where. I feel like my only choice is this town.

Now I have great deals here. I have a whole lot of awesome friends. My family is very supportive. The college situation is perfect, I have two options of college, one where I can go for free, the other I can go for half of what everyone else can. I have easy work.

Yet I can't leave. I have nothing anywhere else. I'm a man that needs change every once in a while. I have a hard time staying in the same place and staying sane. So today I decided I could make a choice and get out of here. But it's going to take a lot of work just to get out of here for a couple months. I talked to my dad about all the different options, he shut down just about all of them. It also seems that when I declare the possibility it gets shut down immidiatly. I did that today, I said on BB that there was a chance of me going to Boston, about fifteen minutes later, that door was shut really fast. I think I would even feel fine if I even just had the option of getting out of town, even just having an open option like that and I could stay.

Maybe I'm just crazy. A little too open minded perhaps? I can't do things conventionally. I just can't. There's something in my brain that says, no, you can't do it this way. For instance, I can't go with the simple philosophy of, you go to school, you get a job, you provide for a family with said job. The movie Office Space is an amazing representation of what I want to do. In the movie the main character is presented with the question of what he would do with a million dollars. And he says, "Absolutly nothing." Interestingly enough, that's also what I would do. I would just relax, let the money handle the small expenses, make sure I didn't have any big expenses. I'd study at my own pace. I'd do things at a slower pace. I wouldn't worry too much and I'd be a lot more relaxed. That's what I would do. I would take up the things I really want to do, like turntables. Maybe I'd try making an album, then I'd make my own music videos. I'd live like an artist and not worry about too many things. But you know, maybe I'd be fine with just going to school, getting a job and providing for a family as long as there was a possibility of doing those things. I think that's all some of us really need, we need our dreams to be within reach, even if we have very little chance to get to them, at least there is a chance. But to have that chance dissappear is very frustrating.

I dunno.

I am going to attempt to get out of Provo for the summer. Even if I were say 3-4 hours away. That would be good enough. We'll see, maybe all of this is for naught, and I'll get married in April or something. Yeah right, that's about as likely as getting sprayed by a skunk.